Pigeon Holed part 2
So I spent some time in self-loathing and resented everyone around me for it. They were holding me back, I told myself, stifling my creativity for their own selfish gain! Naturally one can only hold on to an attitude like that for so long before alienating themselves from everyone around them.
It took far too long to realize that holding onto selfish hopes and dreams that I had created on my own, before marriage, was what was really holding me back. It was keeping me separated from my wife and two little girls and making it nearly impossible to create new hopes and dreams with them. It took far too long for me to realize that, regardless if I hated my job or not, that everything that I do is for them and that they are all that I need.
This was definitely one of those lessons that has to be learned the hard way, and a series of events sent me on yet another quest to find myself. This time it was filled with alcohol, church and antidepressants. The end result was/will be fantastic. A complete reimagining of what life really is and what’s important. I’ve learned that fate is real and, while I have free will, I have very little impact on destiny…it’s best to just sit back, let God do his thing and enjoy the ride.
Letting go of the rediculous thought that you can really control your own fate is quite liberating. Some people call it giving up or settling, and I honestly would have considered it as such 6 months ago, but it isn’t. It’s absolute freedom. That’s not to say that I don’t wish I had more time to draw, or wish I was currently working on a comic. It would be great if M. And I had the time we had in high school for some project, but I’m much more content now not having that time. I work and it sucks, but it keeps my family taken care of and happy, and everytime I see my kids smile or hear a candid giggle because of something fun or funny that we did together I can’t help but feel like a kid myself. Like the stress of the day disappears, and that, mon frere, is the greatest feeling in the world.
It doesn’t even really bother me that I work as much as I do and am left with scraps…my wife was writing out bills today and sends me a text after to say that we had 62 bucks left in the bank. I have two uncashed checks sitting around with a combined total of 40 bucks…I’m absolutely broke and loving it.
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