The Dedication Dump.

From left: Amanda with Steven Jr., Melanie, Morgan, Me

All three of my children were dedicated to the Lord at Mt. Tabor Church of God today.  The experience was unforgettable, but not in the way that you’d expect.  Y’see, our Baptisms were unforgettable as a spiritual experience and a turning point in our lives, but this moment, however, will forever be engrained in my mind because Steven Jr. crapped…big time.

The service began as expected and my family, including several people who came specifically for the dedication, ushered into the front two pews of the church.  Amanda had just finished feeding our son while I was in our Sunday school class before the service, so I was hoping he would be well fed and content through the service and during his dedication.  While the Pastor was taking prayer requests during the beginning of the service, however, Jack (which is what I call Steven Jr.) was starting to get really cranky.  “Really, right now?  Right before prayer??” I thought as we tried to calm him down.  We starting giving him a bottle, but he’s breast fed and that rarely goes well.  We tried to burp him, but he really didn’t seem to have to do that either.  We didn’t know what his deal was, but he was not a happy baby.  Naturally, he screamed off and on the entire time the Pastor prayed.

Then the Pastor finished up his prayer and called us up to the stage to have our children dedicated.  I was hoping that Jack was finished with his tantrum and we would get through the dedication without any incident.  As we stood up, though, Jack puked all over Amanda’s shoulder.  “Oh man, this isn’t going to go well…”.  I wiped the spit-up off of her shoulder as the congregation chuckled at the up-chuck.

We then filed up onto the stage and the Pastor started talking about our family and our children when something terrible happened…in Jack’s pants.  The Pastor was mid-prayer when I first heard the ferocious rumbling emitting from his butt.  I opened my eyes and looked in his direction as he squirmed in my wife’s arms.  The site was much more entertaining than the sound.  I nearly busted out laughing as I witnessed liquid poop running out of his diaper.  It rolled more and more with each audible squirt, and my wife was rolling her hands and arms watching to see if it was running onto her (which it was).  I didn’t know if anyone in the pews knew what was happening, but Morgan sure did.  She started plugging her nose and stepping away from her poop-covered  baby brother as the Pastor kept right on praying.  Just mere moments on stage seemed like hours as the water-thin fecal material kept dripping onto the floor and Amanda’s sandal covered foot.  It took everything I had to not laugh out loud.  After the Pastor finally finished, we rushed off of the stage in a hurry, Amanda leading the way.  She grabbed our diaper bag from the front pew and rushed out of the room, totally embarrassed, as I received dedication papers from the Pastor.  “Wait, don’t forget your posies…well, you can get them later.” he said as Amanda disappeared to the nursery.

“I think I’m going to need some help!” she exclaimed to the ladies in the nursery, as Jack had to be completely stripped and changed.  Amanda managed to clean most of the poo off of her feet and clothes during the remainder of the service, and her and Jack were waiting out in the foyer for us when it was over.  She was embarrassed.  I was proud.  Thank you, Jack, for making your dedication so memorable.  This will definitely be a story that your mother and I will embarrass you with for years to come.

 

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